Author Topic: Is it one of his phases or is he being serious?  (Read 593 times)

Offline AnimeIsMyMiddleName

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Is it one of his phases or is he being serious?
« on: August 31, 2018, 03:37:49 PM »
So, every once in a while, my boyfriend becomes slightly depressed and doesn’t talk to me (or when he does, he’s mad and it’s my fault).
I just came back from a ten day holiday and before that, he was amazing, he didn’t want me to go, he missed me, etc. I came back three days ago and I didn’t get one text. Yesterday, I got one saying he was busy all the time and he could talk now, so we did, but he ended up making me burst into tears.
Side story: (why I burst into tears) cadets had a bivouac (camp) coming up and I wanted to do three things when I got back from my holiday; 1) I wanted to go to bivouac, 2) I wanted to go to cadets, 3) I wanted to see my boyfriend.
He told me I couldn’t go to bivouac because the forms were due when I was away and I couldn’t hand them in, which there’s always a night at cadets where you only pack for bivouac, he said I couldn’t go because there would be no point AND he wouldn’t talk to me.
So I left that conversation and I know he’s not the boss of me, but it hurt, being told that.
I texted him a couple of hours later because I managed to pull a few strings and be allowed on the bivouac and he said “I was excited that you weren’t going, I feel like you’ll be clingy.”
(I’m never clingy unless I’m upset)
Then that conversation divulged into him saying I deserve better, he’s not good enough for me, etc.
I asked why.
“I think I’m gay.”
At this point, I burst into tears because I thought he was breaking up with me and I asked if he was kidding, and he sent laughing emojis! “Lol, get rekt!”
I sent back, “NOT FUNNY, I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA LEAVE ME! I BURST INTO TEARS FOR YOUR AMUSEMENT?!”
He replied with, “Sorry.. I just.. nevermind.”
I made him tell me, and I got this:
“I’m never there for you. You’re always here for me, and I appreciate that, but I barely even talk to you.”
I told him he was the best one for me and he said “I don’t know about anything that’s going on in my life right now because so much sh*t is happening..”
I’m worried, we clicked over to ten months four days ago... if he’s acting like this now, will he keep his promise and stay for ten decades?
I’m so worried, could he be just going through his depression stage like he normally does, or is he being serious??? I’m so confused and worried... I don’t want him to leave me (*cries while writing*)
Anyone that could help me... please, I welcome it.
Fear is strength

Offline MaryKay

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Re: Is it one of his phases or is he being serious?
« Reply #1 on: August 31, 2018, 04:18:12 PM »
Ummmm “I was excited that you weren’t going, I feel like you’ll be clingy" ???? That would have been the end of the relationship for me. Not only are those words super hurtful, but it was about something you really cared about. I'm going to tell you that it is really easy to see things when it doesn't involve you. I had been blind twice to two guys I really loved that were my best friends! Maybe that's the reason why I never realized what was going on was wrong. I never listened to anyone's advice, and I just said you don't know how much he loves me only I know. That was my rationality. One of the two guys I loved (one I've known for almost three years and used to work with everyday) most recently seemed to sever whatever relationship we had. We had a great friendship for so long (I had always had a crush on him), and eventually he had feelings for me (I guess he didn't see me as a baby anymore). He started to flirt with me a lot and what not. I'm not on social media, so I'm not watching his every move, but my friends were like hey you know he Snapchats other girls right? I'm just like I know he loves me, though. Then I ask him one day do you talk to other girls, and he said no. I only talk to you like that. I believed him because I love him so much. Well, it was a lie. I didn't see it. One day he calls me a term of endearment like he always does, and I said save it for one person. Then he said wym? I said you want to guess what I mean? It just spiraled from there because he knew all along. I was warned. I just didn't listen. Sooooo, to sum this all up. Only other people can see what isn't right. The person in the relationship is blind because of love. I don't know your relationship with your boyfriend, but by what I see he's not really a good one. It's not normal for someone to cause you pain. I see it all now. Like it takes you to experience it to see it in others. That's not how it's supposed to be. I feel for you, and I hope you work it out.


And I'm really sorry I know it hurts.
Much love to you ❤️
Always glad to help!

Offline AnimeIsMyMiddleName

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Re: Is it one of his phases or is he being serious?
« Reply #2 on: August 31, 2018, 04:55:52 PM »
I asked a few of my only friends who I tell everything and two of them said he was right, I deserve better and he hurts me, but one of them said she was worried for me. I’m kinda stuck in the middle here.. I’ve seen him go through worse, say worse to me and come good a week later.
I guess I should stick it out? What’s worse, for the bivouac next week, his sister, him and I are gonna be squashed into a car together to and from, he doesn’t like me talking to her (even tho I idolise her) and I can’t bring up our problems in the car with our families there.. I don’t know how to talk to him alone without other people getting in the way.. i don’t even know what I’d say... I’d probably cry a lot.. I just don’t know...
Fear is strength

Offline Darken12

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Re: Is it one of his phases or is he being serious?
« Reply #3 on: August 31, 2018, 05:30:31 PM »
I’m sorry to be rude, but your boyfriend is super disrespectful and immature. What he did to you wasn’t funny. “ Lol, get rekt” WHAT IS HE, YOUNGER THAN ME?!?  I would never say that to someone. Tristan was too sexual and clingy, but he wouldn’t have ever said that to me. I want you to stay their and help your boyfriend, but at the same time I don’t want you to get hurt. So my option is that YOU break up with him.
~Darken12

Offline MaryKay

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Re: Is it one of his phases or is he being serious?
« Reply #4 on: August 31, 2018, 09:27:37 PM »
I don't know what else to say. If you don't understand what I'm saying try listening to Darken12.
Always glad to help!

Offline AnimeIsMyMiddleName

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Re: Is it one of his phases or is he being serious?
« Reply #5 on: September 01, 2018, 01:18:53 AM »
I’m sorry to be rude, but your boyfriend is super disrespectful and immature. What he did to you wasn’t funny. “ Lol, get rekt” WHAT IS HE, YOUNGER THAN ME?!?  I would never say that to someone. Tristan was too sexual and clingy, but he wouldn’t have ever said that to me. I want you to stay their and help your boyfriend, but at the same time I don’t want you to get hurt. So my option is that YOU break up with him.

This is the thing; people don’t know him like I do. People don’t know how our relationship works, to me, he is nothing but amazing, he just upsets me every once in a while. I want to stay and help him too, which is why I haven’t left in the past. He once said, “You give me life, you’re the reason I haven’t killed myself or overdosed yet, you’re the reason I get up every morning, remember my cruise? I sat on the edge of the ship, leg over the side and cried for four hours, but then I stopped and thought, what about you? How would you feel right now? You’re my lifesaver.”
I’ve been hurt so many times before, worse than what he does, and I know he’s wonderful, but when it’s bad...it’s really bad.

He actually texted me this arvo and asked what I was doing today, he said he was trying to be nice ... so idk what’s going on..
Fear is strength

Offline Darken12

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Re: Is it one of his phases or is he being serious?
« Reply #6 on: September 01, 2018, 01:38:20 AM »
Girl, take him to a therapist. I’m being honest here, I think their might be something wrong with him, because he has bad mood swings. And not the usual teen mood swings...  “people don’t get how our relationship works” the way your “ relationship “ works isn’t healthy. And I know I’m being super harsh, but he isn’t okay. Your not in a relationship. Your more  “ it’s complicated “  and if you aren’t gonna see how  me or MaryKay, are reasoning with you, why make this a topic? Your confusing me Anime,  MaryKay is right
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Offline LinkleBlue

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Re: Is it one of his phases or is he being serious?
« Reply #7 on: September 01, 2018, 05:57:49 AM »
Girl, take him to a therapist. I’m being honest here, I think their might be something wrong with him, because he has bad mood swings. And not the usual teen mood swings...  “people don’t get how our relationship works” the way your “ relationship “ works isn’t healthy. And I know I’m being super harsh, but he isn’t okay. Your not in a relationship. Your more  “ it’s complicated “  and if you aren’t gonna see how  me or MaryKay, are reasoning with you, why make this a topic? Your confusing me Anime,  MaryKay is right
Completely right. And so is MaryKay. Look, I may be crossing the line here given you are teenagers and I'm 23, but what these girls are saying is true. It's not healthy to be with someone who hurts you like that intentionally and then does nothing to change. It's obvious he needs therapy, but also, you're not his savior, you can't let yourself get super hurt just to save someone else, someone who clearly doesn't appreciate you enough. You say that we don't know how your relationship works and more, but that's exactly what MaryKay told you, when we are in love we get blind. And that's where you are now. I've been there, and I was so blind that I got dumped instead of it being the other way around. It's embarrassing for me, but that's how blind I was. but 2 months later I was happy he dumped me. It was the best for me, you're just stuck there, and to some extent it seems to me that you're with him because of pity. Are you afraid he might kill himself if you leave? Well tell his parents after you do. But even if he did try, it wouldn't be your fault. Do something nice for yourself, no one needs this uncertainty.

Offline Darken12

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Re: Is it one of his phases or is he being serious?
« Reply #8 on: September 01, 2018, 08:29:57 AM »
That’s a great point LinkleBlue.
~Darken12

Offline AnimeIsMyMiddleName

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Re: Is it one of his phases or is he being serious?
« Reply #9 on: September 01, 2018, 03:32:30 PM »
Girl, take him to a therapist. I’m being honest here, I think their might be something wrong with him, because he has bad mood swings. And not the usual teen mood swings...  “people don’t get how our relationship works” the way your “ relationship “ works isn’t healthy. And I know I’m being super harsh, but he isn’t okay. Your not in a relationship. Your more  “ it’s complicated “  and if you aren’t gonna see how  me or MaryKay, are reasoning with you, why make this a topic? Your confusing me Anime,  MaryKay is right
Completely right. And so is MaryKay. Look, I may be crossing the line here given you are teenagers and I'm 23, but what these girls are saying is true. It's not healthy to be with someone who hurts you like that intentionally and then does nothing to change. It's obvious he needs therapy, but also, you're not his savior, you can't let yourself get super hurt just to save someone else, someone who clearly doesn't appreciate you enough. You say that we don't know how your relationship works and more, but that's exactly what MaryKay told you, when we are in love we get blind. And that's where you are now. I've been there, and I was so blind that I got dumped instead of it being the other way around. It's embarrassing for me, but that's how blind I was. but 2 months later I was happy he dumped me. It was the best for me, you're just stuck there, and to some extent it seems to me that you're with him because of pity. Are you afraid he might kill himself if you leave? Well tell his parents after you do. But even if he did try, it wouldn't be your fault. Do something nice for yourself, no one needs this uncertainty.

Well I don’t know how to respond to this really :/ he sees a therapist three days a week and goes to anger management two. His mood swings are out of his control, he takes medication and it’s one of seven (I think) side effects, on top of his depression. Sometimes I do think I’m with him just to keep both of us safe from harm, but I don’t know.
I dated 7 guys in the five months leading up to meeting my boyfriend and they were the biggest pricks ever, so if you imagine how crappy it was meeting guys, then getting dumped because of my depression, meeting my boyfriend and he wasn’t like them, imagine that...amazing really.
As I said, when it’s bad between us, it’s really bad, when it’s good between us, nothing else in this world matters..good outweighs the bad.

I guess I do these topics because I confuse myself and want answers that have an outcome where I don’t have to leave him. Mainly because I know I should leave him sometimes, I’d have a great single life, I’d probably love it...but I’ve done so much for him, I’ve given so much to him and we planned a life together, so leaving him isn’t the answer. Plus, I sent him paragraphs he can blackmail me with if I left him, I know he wouldn’t ever, but..that thought is always in the back of my mind.


I asked him yesterday if he wanted to do something, no answer until quarter to 11 at night, “Yeah, just, are you awake still? Wanna talk to you..”
Fear is strength

Offline Darken12

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Re: Is it one of his phases or is he being serious?
« Reply #10 on: September 01, 2018, 04:20:58 PM »
Anime, I know you have points here, but you can’t keep holding on to him forever. I’m scared you’ll get hurt. 

 At the start Tristan was so sweet, but then after that he would tell me what to eat and when I ate enough, once he whacked me when I raised my voice and him, and their was one point when he asked me to sleep in his room (It was on text so I ignored what he said and went on to a different conversation) and my friends told me to leave him, but then I didn’t see how bad he was until he almost sexually harassed me.

And maybe your boyfriend won’t sexually harass you, but I think he’ll do somethig that’ll push you to the edge.

 If you break up with him, it is for the better. When when he gets better you can be friends. Or maybe even date again I don't know.
~Darken12

Offline LinkleBlue

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Re: Is it one of his phases or is he being serious?
« Reply #11 on: September 02, 2018, 06:54:38 AM »
Anime, I know you have points here, but you can’t keep holding on to him forever. I’m scared you’ll get hurt. 

 At the start Tristan was so sweet, but then after that he would tell me what to eat and when I ate enough, once he whacked me when I raised my voice and him, and their was one point when he asked me to sleep in his room (It was on text so I ignored what he said and went on to a different conversation) and my friends told me to leave him, but then I didn’t see how bad he was until he almost sexually harassed me.

And maybe your boyfriend won’t sexually harass you, but I think he’ll do somethig that’ll push you to the edge.

 If you break up with him, it is for the better. When when he gets better you can be friends. Or maybe even date again I don't know.

Auch, and yeah, I think that specially because you have depression, this relationship can ruin you because it is unstable. I was with my ex for almost 3 years, I now what it means to give everything for someone and being afraid of losing that, but I think it's sometimea for the better. I also think that perhaps you should talk about this with your therapist. He/She might have a better insight on how this can affect your mental health.

Offline AnimeIsMyMiddleName

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Re: Is it one of his phases or is he being serious?
« Reply #12 on: September 03, 2018, 03:40:12 PM »
Anime, I know you have points here, but you can’t keep holding on to him forever. I’m scared you’ll get hurt. 

 At the start Tristan was so sweet, but then after that he would tell me what to eat and when I ate enough, once he whacked me when I raised my voice and him, and their was one point when he asked me to sleep in his room (It was on text so I ignored what he said and went on to a different conversation) and my friends told me to leave him, but then I didn’t see how bad he was until he almost sexually harassed me.

And maybe your boyfriend won’t sexually harass you, but I think he’ll do somethig that’ll push you to the edge.

 If you break up with him, it is for the better. When when he gets better you can be friends. Or maybe even date again I don't know.

Auch, and yeah, I think that specially because you have depression, this relationship can ruin you because it is unstable. I was with my ex for almost 3 years, I now what it means to give everything for someone and being afraid of losing that, but I think it's sometimea for the better. I also think that perhaps you should talk about this with your therapist. He/She might have a better insight on how this can affect your mental health.

I do talk to my counsellor, she believes my mental state is completely dependent on him, which is bad, but I’m dependent on other things as well. She’s trying to get me to become the way I once was, independent. She thinks being dependent on him is unhealthy (and it is from time to time) and she thinks I’m in a fantasy world where he won’t leave me anytime soon.
Which clearly, I can be but I’m not. As we said, I feel like something bad would happen if I left him and if he left me, it could go really well, or there would be no such thing as me anymore *shrugs* I know that sounds childish but I really have nothing else to live for...
He’s always been sweet, he’s only told me to eat a few times but that’s because I hadn’t eaten for about a week and a half and I was really pale. I’ve never raised my voice because I’ve had no need, and he’s never raised a fist to me. He does in my presence but that’s when people insult me around him.
I feel like sometimes he will do something but that’s very rarely.
My next appointment is in two weeks for a therapist and I will tell her what’s happened if it is not resolved by us beforehand
Fear is strength

Offline G123

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Re: Is it one of his phases or is he being serious?
« Reply #13 on: September 07, 2018, 06:52:30 PM »
Hey anime I just saw this post.
I just want to say how important it is to listen to these people replying. Of course take what you want from this forum but I’m sure you obviously wrote in to seek some advice/closure about what you think will happen next.
I was in your position about a year ago now my ex had just cheated on me but was filling me with all these words reassuring me that we’ll still end up together for good it’s just a rough patch etc. I posted on here just to rant about how heartbroken and confused I was hoping everyone would say oh no you’s will end up back together forever but that wasn’t the reality of course they gave me the truth. And like you (no offence) I didn’t want to hear it at the time. Which is understandable. But when I looked back, everything they said was right and I should have not listened to a word my ex said instead , and listened to the people who had me in mind !

Offline MaryKay

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Re: Is it one of his phases or is he being serious?
« Reply #14 on: September 08, 2018, 12:03:34 AM »
I'm happy for you, G123!!! As I said, I can see it in other people, but fall for it myself. My dude has somehow got me back.
Always glad to help!