Author Topic: Crossroads  (Read 316 times)

Offline Hue

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Crossroads
« on: October 18, 2018, 03:29:32 AM »
So I’m in a situation. I got engaged almost a year ago now and to date we haven’t moved past that in any way. My partner gets very defensive whenever I try to talk about moving in or setting a wedding date. Every time I ask about him moving in I get a range of excuses and these are some of them:
>I need to pay off my mortgage a bit more first (he still owes about AU$700,000)
>I want to save money (on groceries)
>my mum still needs me to take her to work twice a week
>I’ll move in maybe next year
> I’ll move on after our planned holidays
>it’s too far from work(takes an extra 10-15 minutes)
> I don’t want to do it if I feel forced
>I don’t believe in moving in together before marriage
> let’s have a baby first so that mum won’t have a reason to stop me etc
So I figured he’s playing around and had a serious conversation to which he finally said” I’m not ready yet, let’s maybe wait until 2020”
Then I asked about the wedding date to which he started talking about how he never imagined himself getting married and he never wanted to do it. Then he goes on about how “people” put too much pressure and expect too much too soon even though I’m the one who was trying to talk about it... so I don’t know what to do about this. A part of me feels like I should cut him some slack but another part of me feels like he’s not fighting for me at all. What should I do
Be strong

Offline LinkleBlue

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Re: Crossroads
« Reply #1 on: October 18, 2018, 05:25:08 AM »
Well it seems he said it: he feels forced and apparently doesn't want to marry, he proposed out of pressure :/
So at this point it seems it's up to you. i wouldn't recommend marrying him if he doesn't want to, it won't end well. I think you should tell him how important it is to you, and most definitely end the relationship if you guys don't have the same vision

Offline Periodstuff

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Re: Crossroads
« Reply #2 on: October 18, 2018, 07:01:11 AM »
How old are you both? I know it shouldn’t matter but it actually does.
Has he been married before?
Is there a big age gap?

Offline Hue

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Re: Crossroads
« Reply #3 on: October 18, 2018, 09:24:45 AM »
But thing is I didn’t ask him to propose, he shouldn’t have proposed then . And no he’s never been married before. We’ve got a 10 year age gap
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Offline Periodstuff

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Re: Crossroads
« Reply #4 on: October 18, 2018, 07:29:35 PM »
You still didn’t say your age??!!
Are you the older or younger one?

If you’re older do you want to have kids? do you have enough time to find someone else? (pregnant before you bail)

If you’re the younger one, he’s got 10 years on you and isn’t ready to settle down?!?

Offline Periodstuff

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Re: Crossroads
« Reply #5 on: October 18, 2018, 07:45:13 PM »
I asked my husband to marry me (we were already living together) and you know why? Because I KNEW this was the guy for me. He is amazing and I want to spend the rest of my life with him.
I’ve been in 3 long term relationships (and a handful of short ones) and I can tell you with those long term relationships I always felt secure that they were all in. Meaning they were committed, we moved in pretty quickly, there was talk of marriage, I never felt insecure.

Offline Periodstuff

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Re: Crossroads
« Reply #6 on: October 18, 2018, 08:24:34 PM »
You know that saying “you need to love yourself first before anyone can love you” well that’s the case here.

You deserve better.
You deserve someone who wants to be with you.
You’re better off single, being with someone like this wears away your self confidence. (It already has)

Offline LinkleBlue

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Re: Crossroads
« Reply #7 on: October 19, 2018, 05:19:32 AM »
But thing is I didn’t ask him to propose, he shouldn’t have proposed then . And no he’s never been married before. We’ve got a 10 year age gap
I know you didn't ask him to, I meant the pressure of people around him in general. His friends, family, and society in general. Those things could havr led him to propose even though he was didn't want to.

Offline Hue

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Re: Crossroads
« Reply #8 on: October 20, 2018, 07:54:33 AM »
You still didn’t say your age??!!
Are you the older or younger one?

If you’re older do you want to have kids? do you have enough time to find someone else? (pregnant before you bail)


If you’re the younger one, he’s got 10 years on you and isn’t ready to settle down?!?

I’m 25 and he’s 35.
He was always talking about having kids but I said we’d have to live together first before we do that coz I think it’s too hard trying to see how well you live with someone and at the same time have a child to take care with that person. There was a point when that’s the one thing he’d talk about at least once every day so when he proposed I thought he wanted to move forward
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Offline Hue

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Re: Crossroads
« Reply #9 on: October 20, 2018, 07:58:46 AM »
You know that saying “you need to love yourself first before anyone can love you” well that’s the case here.

You deserve better.
You deserve someone who wants to be with you.
You’re better off single, being with someone like this wears away your self confidence. (It already has)

You’re right. I’m just so tired. I feel like I’ve given so much I don’t have anything left for me. I just really wish I’d seen something that would’ve made me run for the hills a long time ago then I wouldn’t have wasted all this time. We’ve been together going on 4 years now
Be strong

Offline Periodstuff

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Re: Crossroads
« Reply #10 on: October 20, 2018, 08:22:33 PM »
I can understand not getting married (money or whatever) but not moving in after 4 years? You know after 6 months if you want to be with someone and you make steps towards doing that.

Don’t think of it as wasting your time. Try not to live your life with regrets, you gained experiences, had good times.

It takes time to come to terms with things.

I feel like there must be more to the story. Weird relationship with his mum or something

Offline Hue

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Re: Crossroads
« Reply #11 on: October 21, 2018, 03:44:32 AM »
I can understand not getting married (money or whatever) but not moving in after 4 years? You know after 6 months if you want to be with someone and you make steps towards doing that.

Don’t think of it as wasting your time. Try not to live your life with regrets, you gained experiences, had good times.

It takes time to come to terms with things.

I feel like there must be more to the story. Weird relationship with his mum or something

Yes he’s almost too close to his mum and his parents control everything including his bank account and credit card ( I just found out). He’s always had all this super attention and affection shown towards him so when he doesn’t get that much he kind of pulls back. I mean it was a struggle just to get the guy to see that he has to pick up after himself and maybe organise dinner when I’m working and finish late. He doesn’t need to lift a finger at home and I won’t have that
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Offline Periodstuff

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Re: Crossroads
« Reply #13 on: October 21, 2018, 07:15:49 AM »
34 and his parents control everything? Do you want to become his mum? Because that’s what will happen. You need a partner that you are equal with not that you have to look after.

Offline Hue

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Re: Crossroads
« Reply #14 on: October 26, 2018, 12:34:47 AM »
34 and his parents control everything? Do you want to become his mum? Because that’s what will happen. You need a partner that you are equal with not that you have to look after.

Thank you for listening... I know what I need to do now and it’ll be difficult but I’ll get out the other side a better person
Be strong