Author Topic: Bf punched a wall, am I overreacting?  (Read 237 times)

Offline callisto

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Bf punched a wall, am I overreacting?
« on: November 11, 2018, 08:17:51 PM »
My boyfriend and I are both 19 and have been together for two months. For the last two weeks or so, we have been fighting. I didn’t show enough support in an argument that didn’t concern me, “ignored him when my parents were around,” didn’t drive two hours back to college in the dark on a back road so that he could see me, wasn’t talkative enough when he called late at night, etc etc. Most of these have been over the phone. Our latest fight was also over the phone and he punched a wall, cracking the dry erase board he has hanging there. Ever since then, something inside me has been uncomfortable and saying to run the other direction. When I brought it up to him, he said he understood my discomfort but I made him frustrated and that’s why he did it. He said he would never hit me and seemed offended that I was uncomfortable. The uneasy feeling hasn’t gone away and I’ve been an anxious mess all week. Am I overreacting?

Thanks to anyone who read this far.

Offline Periodstuff

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Re: Bf punched a wall, am I overreacting?
« Reply #1 on: November 12, 2018, 12:38:25 AM »
What you are feeling is “gut instinct” also known as “Intuition”

“Intuition” is “the ability to understand something instinctively, without the need for conscious reasoning.”

There is an awesome book that talks about this and it’s called “the gift of fear” and that’s exactly what it is, it’s a “gift” it’s something that you need to listen to.

Intuition isn’t “magic” it’s just your subconscious picking up on things.

Now what it’s picked up on is behavior that seems to be more and more demanding/controlling. He wants you to respond in a certain way to a situation (not being “supportive enough”). He wants you put aside your safety for him (driving late) he wants to be put before your parents. He needs you to be more “talkative”. These are all things that he is trying to control.. it’s you. He is trying to control YOU.

Good Relationships are two individuals who come together and encourage and support each other. Not try to change them.

It’s hard to hear and you might not be ready to hear it but it’s an abusive relationship. Hitting a wall is a form of intimidation. He even blamed you for doing it????? Come on Callisto that is your reason to RUN run far away!!!


Offline Periodstuff

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Re: Bf punched a wall, am I overreacting?
« Reply #2 on: November 12, 2018, 12:53:16 AM »
Here is one of many articles you can find on the internet. Please please read it. You will recognize similarities.

When we think of abusive relationships, we often picture black eyes and broken bones. But while abuse often escalates to physical violence, it does not start out that way. In fact, abusers are often charming, attentive, and sweet in the beginning of a relationship. An abuser will work to make you feel so appreciated and loved, you won’t even notice he is controlling you — sometimes, until it’s too late. But, there are warning signs we can look out for, to help us spot an abusive relationship, before it goes too far.

1. He will romance you.
He will buy you flowers and gifts. He will likely be the most romantic man you have ever met. He will pay attention to you and make you feel special and wanted. You may find yourself thinking that he is too good to be true — because he is. He needs you to trust him and develop feelings for him, because it is much easier to control someone who loves you. He will make you feel like you are his entire world — because he wants your world to revolve around him. Of course, just being romantic is not necessarily a sign of abuse. But, an abuser will often use these gifts and romance to distract you from other concerning behaviors, such as control and jealousy.

2. He will want to commit — quickly.
He will say that it’s love at first sight, that you are made for each other, and that he can’t imagine his life without you. He will sweep you off your feet, and tell you he has never loved anyone this much. He will insist on being exclusive right away, and will likely want to move in together, or even get married, very quickly. He needs you to love him, and to belong to him. You may feel like the relationship is moving too quickly — trust your instincts.

3. He will want you all to himself.
He will glare at other men for looking at you and question you about your male friends. You may think this jealousy is cute, or even loving — at first. But soon, he’ll make you feel guilty for spending time with friends or family. He will call or text you several times a day, and may accuse you of flirting or cheating. He will say he loves you so much, he can’t stand the thought of anyone else being near you. And soon, no one else will be. This is the beginning of isolation.

4. He will be very concerned about you.
He may get upset if you don’t call him back right away or if you come home late. He will say it’s because he worries about you. He will start to question who you saw, where you went, and what you were doing. He will mask his control as concern for your well-being. He will start to make decisions for you — who you spend time with and where you go — and claim to know what’s best for you. Soon, you’ll be asking his approval for every decision. Your control over your own life will slip away, as his power and control grows.

5. He will be sweet and caring — sometimes.
He will be the sweet, loving man who everyone else sees, and who you fell in love with. But, sometimes, he will become the man who puts you down, makes you feel guilty, and isolates you. He will make you believe that if you just did something differently, loved him more, or treated him better, he would be that sweet, loving man all the time. You will stay because of your hope for the man you love, but will spend most of your time being controlled by the man who hurts you. Eventually, you won’t be able to tell the difference.

6. He will play the victim.
If he gets in trouble at work, it’s someone else’s fault. If he has a bad day, someone is out to get him. And if he is upset, he will blame you for his feelings and actions. He will expect you to make him happy and fulfilled — and when he’s not, he will blame you. He may apologize for yelling, putting you down, or hurting you, but will always find a way to make it your fault. He will say things like, “It’s just that I love you so much,” or “I wish you didn’t make me so crazy.” Eventually, he will blame you for making him hit you.

If these warning signs are happening in your relationship, even if he has not hit you (yet), this is abuse. Control, jealousy, and isolation are not love. And abusive behavior will not change — no matter how hard you try, or how much you love him. This man may seem like your dream come true, but soon, he will become your worst nightmare.

https://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/us_6009076

Offline callisto

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Re: Bf punched a wall, am I overreacting?
« Reply #3 on: November 12, 2018, 02:50:07 AM »
I really appreciate your response! This absolutely describes him. Reading this was a wake up call and made me recognize all of the behaviors I’d overlooked. I’m hoping and planning to be out of the relationship as soon as possible. I’ve talked with my parents so that they know what’s going on. Thank you so much!!

Offline Periodstuff

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Re: Bf punched a wall, am I overreacting?
« Reply #4 on: November 12, 2018, 10:47:09 PM »
I’m so glad you can see the relationship for what it really is. I hope you stay strong getting out of it. It’s difficult because I’m sure he will try very hard to keep you (be extra loving, say he’ll change etc etc) Its great that you told your parents. Just keep doing research on abusive relationships, the more you know and understand about them will help you to deal with it.
Good luck. Xx

Offline callisto

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Re: Bf punched a wall, am I overreacting?
« Reply #5 on: November 13, 2018, 07:30:53 PM »
Update, I’ve broken it off. I think he really cares for me, but it was still an unhealthy relationship. Took two hours to reach a point where it was clear to him it was really over. He didn’t understand, but I think we’ll be ok. He said we’ll talk in a week and discuss whether being friends is an option. Thank you again for your help!