Author Topic: Help - coercion?  (Read 537 times)

Offline callisto

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Help - coercion?
« on: March 15, 2019, 01:16:56 PM »
Hi, so about a month ago I had some things happen with a guy and I don’t know whether to trust my memory. I don’t think I have a physical reason, like alcohol or something. I’ve included what I remember happening. It’s not necessary for my question though, so there’s a TL;DR at the bottom that has my actual question. I’m sorry if this isn’t the right place to put this, I know it can be an uncomfortable topic.

Here’s a shortened version of what I remember. It’s still long but when I wrote about this in a journal it took three pages. A friend of mine spent literal hours convincing me to go a lot further than kissing with him on the first night we were more than friends. I told him I didn’t want to because it was too soon and I was a virgin. He was over at my apartment but we weren’t more than friends when he got there. It was late and I didn’t have anywhere else to go, so I didn’t leave. I gave up at like 3 am and I ended up losing my virginity. Well, technically. It was unbearably painful so I made him stop a couple seconds in. Also, it was without a condom and he made me feel paranoid and rude when I mentioned it. I’m on the pill, but he didn’t know that and didn’t ask. I cried the rest of the day after he left that morning. He was never like this in any way and after I made him stop he was very caring with me. I was so confused. I was with him two other times. The second time it didn’t go that far. I told him that my period was too heavy to be doing this. He tried very hard to tell me otherwise and I had to clamp my legs together to keep him from pulling my pants down while saying I didn’t want to. He did stop though. The third time did go that far. It was similar to the first time and I tried to claim my period but he checks for blood himself which makes me cringe. Apparently a period lasting more than 4 days is considered unusual to him and there wasn’t enough to matter to him. I kind of think he tore something before I made him stop but I wasn’t sure I wanted to know so I didn’t investigate. Stupid, I know. All three times it began as an invitation to study together or something of that nature.

TL;DR - I’m upset about it but for some reason I’m not 100% sure it really happened that way. I was reading an article on coercion and it’s been bothering me. I wonder if I was coerced, but how do I know if I was actually coerced or if I’m just making it up because it’s easier than admitting my mistakes? How do I know I can trust my memory?

Offline LinkleBlue

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Re: Help - coercion?
« Reply #1 on: March 16, 2019, 05:51:33 AM »
Hi! Well first of all I don't understand well why you believe you can't trust your memory. DId you feel weird at those times?

Secondly, yes, You were coerced and pressured. A no is a no, you shouldn't have to insist to not do something, what is wrong with him checking for blood? Listen, you should try to get away from him, don't stay alone with him because he's definitely going too far everytime. I was Coerced into losing my virginity as well, and trust me, you don't want to go through with that guy. He will disturb your vision of sexuality and make you think that behavior Is normal. He's not good for you!

Offline callisto

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Re: Help - coercion?
« Reply #2 on: March 16, 2019, 01:02:36 PM »
Sorry this is long again. I know it was really late and I was really tired, so I was afraid maybe that had skewed the way I interpreted it. I remember feeling pretty disconnected from myself and unsettled. I still do.

It’s not so much the checking for blood that bothers me. He didn’t really ask if it was ok for him to stick his hand down my pants to check. He talked to me like he knew more about my body and periods than I did.

We aren’t friends anymore and the last time I saw him, we were in a group where the others didn’t know about us. He talked about his girlfriend and ran as soon as he could.

I’m just relieved to know I wasn’t lying to myself about being coerced. I’d wanted to wait for marriage for religious reasons. I admit I made some decisions with my ex that would suggest I wasn’t serious about it, but to be honest those never quite felt like my own either and he knew I wanted to wait. I told this guy the second time that I wanted to wait before going that far again, which resulted in him telling me all the reasons it’s an awful idea and how he wanted to share this with me. He said he wanted a relationship but he didn’t know if he could be with someone he couldn’t sleep with and that he needed to think about it. I asked him to let me know what he decided and we’d talk about it. A couple weeks of silence later, I find out about the girlfriend.

Thank you for helping me. I haven’t told anyone else because I’m afraid of their reaction. Any advice on where I should go from here? I’m still dealing with a lot of self blame and it feels like my only two moods are sad and angry.



Period Diary Forum

Re: Help - coercion?
« Reply #2 on: March 16, 2019, 01:02:36 PM »

Offline LinkleBlue

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Re: Help - coercion?
« Reply #3 on: March 18, 2019, 05:24:20 AM »
What a jerk!
Well you coupd always go to therapy, there you may find out exactly why you're feeling the way you do and how to feel better as well. And I'm sorry you feel that way. I hope you recover emotionally soon!

Offline callisto

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Re: Help - coercion?
« Reply #4 on: March 18, 2019, 09:10:13 AM »
That’s true, therapy is a good idea and I feel like it would help. I’ll look around for places that are near my college. Thank you for everything! I really appreciate it!

Offline LinkleBlue

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Re: Help - coercion?
« Reply #5 on: March 19, 2019, 05:20:33 AM »
You are welcome!!! Best of lucks!!!