Period Diary Forum

Other => Relationships => Topic started by: SuziLou on October 04, 2018, 06:37:16 PM

Title: Should I leave my fiancé?
Post by: SuziLou on October 04, 2018, 06:37:16 PM
I’ve been planning our wedding the last few weeks for next July. My partner has gave his advice here and there. I ask him to not play his Xbox one night a week so we can spend time together no technology. Is it too much to ask? This never happens! Not once since we’ve bought our house! We used to have sex a lot and of course I know it fades after a while but he never initiated it once and still never comes on to me! I feel deflated but whenever I say something on how I feel he gets agitated walks off and sleeps on the sofa. How can the man I was so in love with be so different now? Why can he not see things from my point of view? Am I being ridiculous? This has been on going for the last 9 months. After each time I tell him how I feel I always end up apologising to him for how I’ve felt but I’m starting to think this is wrong. Should I leave him and move back home?
Title: Re: Should I leave my fiancé?
Post by: MaryKay on October 04, 2018, 08:05:53 PM
Wow. I mean you got to the point of accepting his proposal, so you can’t be rash. You have to talk to him and give an ultimatum.
Title: Re: Should I leave my fiancé?
Post by: LinkleBlue on October 05, 2018, 05:29:13 AM
you should definitely talk go him about how you're feeling, not in the heat of a moment, but on a calm moment so you can think and have a serious conversation instead of a fight. We can't exactly tell you "yes! Leave your fiancé" but if this behavior is unacceptable for you, and you don't think you can live with someone like that because you'll be unhappy, then don't marry him. What he does seems rather simple, but boy, anyone would hate not getting at least one night a week of attention and even so, not being able to talk about an issue. So I don't think you're overreacting
Title: Re: Should I leave my fiancé?
Post by: MaryKay on October 05, 2018, 08:30:44 AM
Yeah, no, I totally don’t think that you’re overreacting either.
Title: Re: Should I leave my fiancé?
Post by: Periodstuff on October 06, 2018, 09:43:42 AM
Wow. I mean you got to the point of accepting his proposal, so you can’t be rash. You have to talk to him and give an ultimatum.

It’s pretty ironic that you would say don’t be rash and then tell her to give him an ultimatum.
An ultimatum is rash! And never a good idea
Title: Re: Should I leave my fiancé?
Post by: Periodstuff on October 06, 2018, 09:55:00 AM
I’ve been planning our wedding the last few weeks for next July. My partner has gave his advice here and there. I ask him to not play his Xbox one night a week so we can spend time together no technology. Is it too much to ask? This never happens! Not once since we’ve bought our house! We used to have sex a lot and of course I know it fades after a while but he never initiated it once and still never comes on to me! I feel deflated but whenever I say something on how I feel he gets agitated walks off and sleeps on the sofa. How can the man I was so in love with be so different now? Why can he not see things from my point of view? Am I being ridiculous? This has been on going for the last 9 months. After each time I tell him how I feel I always end up apologising to him for how I’ve felt but I’m starting to think this is wrong. Should I leave him and move back home?


Well a couple of things...

Marriage (ideally) is for life. Is this how you want the rest of your life?

To me sleeping on the couch is not on. You should be able to talk through problems, maybe you both need some tips on communicating more effectively.

You said he’s different. Maybe he’s depressed? He might need help. 

Title: Re: Should I leave my fiancé?
Post by: Flowerpuff2 on October 06, 2018, 12:53:16 PM
I hope not but sometimes that’s a sign of I have another girl. He seems so distant.
Title: Re: Should I leave my fiancé?
Post by: Flowerpuff2 on October 06, 2018, 12:59:16 PM
I don’t think marriage is right if he is avoiding you. I am sorry you are going though this, in any case just follow your heart. It will guide you to the right thing. And if you are not sure about getting married, it’s probably not the right thing. You have to be 100% sure.
Title: Re: Should I leave my fiancé?
Post by: JustPeachy on October 06, 2018, 09:43:02 PM
I would ask him to do counseling with you and see if you can work through the problems. Premarrital counseling is a great idea in general, but especially if you're struggling to work through issues together. I would give it a real try before calling things off, but don't go through with it just because you already said yes if you don't think it's going to work out.
Title: Re: Should I leave my fiancé?
Post by: Flowerpuff2 on October 07, 2018, 08:55:14 AM
I would ask him to do counseling with you and see if you can work through the problems. Premarrital counseling is a great idea in general, but especially if you're struggling to work through issues together. I would give it a real try before calling things off, but don't go through with it just because you already said yes if you don't think it's going to work out.
Actually some boys are so hard to convince, he would probably feel ofendended or humiliated if she even commented it.
Title: Re: Should I leave my fiancé?
Post by: JustPeachy on October 07, 2018, 01:33:15 PM
She's already thinking of leaving him. They're already fighting, and they aren't able to communicate effectively. What's there to lose? If he refuses to go and refuses to work with her, then I guess she has her answer. If he doesn't care enough to try then it's probably not going to work. Also, not all men are the same. My guy went happily with me when I wanted to do premarital counseling.
Title: Re: Should I leave my fiancé?
Post by: Flowerpuff2 on October 07, 2018, 02:05:31 PM
I get your point, and I was just expressing my opinion about what he would do. And I said SOME boys so I don’t get the point of your comment.
Title: Re: Should I leave my fiancé?
Post by: Periodstuff on October 07, 2018, 06:32:16 PM
I agree with peachy. I mean shit if you can’t even suggest counseling (in a respectful way at the right time) without him offended or humiliated then what kind of hope have you got when some real shit happens like the death of a child or financial strain. You need to be a team. You need to know you’ve got each other’s back.
Men aren’t robots, in this day and age we don’t say “boys don’t cry” we expect men to be able to express emotions. It’s not a weakness.
Title: Re: Should I leave my fiancé?
Post by: MaryKay on October 08, 2018, 12:15:58 AM
Wow. I mean you got to the point of accepting his proposal, so you can’t be rash. You have to talk to him and give an ultimatum.


It’s pretty ironic that you would say don’t be rash and then tell her to give him an ultimatum.
An ultimatum is rash! And never a good idea

Excuse me. That is not rash! Lucky you aren’t in her predicament because you’d probably get married and get stuck forever.
Title: Re: Should I leave my fiancé?
Post by: Periodstuff on October 08, 2018, 12:46:46 AM
Wow. I mean you got to the point of accepting his proposal, so you can’t be rash. You have to talk to him and give an ultimatum.


It’s pretty ironic that you would say don’t be rash and then tell her to give him an ultimatum.
An ultimatum is rash! And never a good idea

Excuse me. That is not rash! Lucky you aren’t in her predicament because you’d probably get married and get stuck forever.

An ultimatum is rash because they’re NEVER a good way of dealing with a situation. People say them without really thinking them through.

If you say it you need to mean it.

You HAVE to follow through or your word means nothing.

What is the ultimatum? “Stop playing games on a Thursday night or I’m leaving!” Is she going to stand by that if he does? Is this how their future arguments are going to be solved? “You help with the house work or I’m leaving!” “Stop leaving the toilet seat up or I’m leaving!”  Effective communication and partnerships don’t work with one person saying “it’s my way or the highway”. Like someone else suggested couples counseling to see what the issue is. Talking about what’s going on, how he’s feeling, is he depressed? I’d say there’s something more going on.
Title: Re: Should I leave my fiancé?
Post by: MaryKay on October 08, 2018, 01:14:46 AM
You act like that’s the only definition. How ridiculous.
Title: Re: Should I leave my fiancé?
Post by: Periodstuff on October 08, 2018, 04:44:58 AM
You act like that’s the only definition. How ridiculous.

Umm... what definition would you be referring to then?
Title: Re: Should I leave my fiancé?
Post by: Periodstuff on October 08, 2018, 04:48:42 AM
“a final demand or statement of terms, the rejection of which will result in retaliation or a breakdown in relations.”

“a threat in which a person or group of people are warned that if they do not do a particular thing, something unpleasant will happen to them. It is usually the last and most extreme in a series of actions taken to bring about a particular result”
Title: Re: Should I leave my fiancé?
Post by: MaryKay on October 08, 2018, 05:21:03 PM
She’s already tried talking to him, so what’s your point? This is the last time I’m replying to you about this because I don’t entertain.
Title: Re: Should I leave my fiancé?
Post by: Periodstuff on October 09, 2018, 01:55:20 AM
She’s already tried talking to him, so what’s your point? This is the last time I’m replying to you about this because I don’t entertain.

My point is
that an Ultimatum is Rash and are never a good idea.

What I’m asking is that you might entertain that maybe you said it and hadn’t really thought through what an ultimatum really means.
Title: Re: Should I leave my fiancé?
Post by: Hue on October 30, 2018, 12:12:52 AM
I would ask him to do counseling with you and see if you can work through the problems. Premarrital counseling is a great idea in general, but especially if you're struggling to work through issues together. I would give it a real try before calling things off, but don't go through with it just because you already said yes if you don't think it's going to work out.
Actually some boys are so hard to convince, he would probably feel ofendended or humiliated if she even commented it.

When I first took my fiancé for counseling he wasn’t happy about it and sat there with his arms folded and face all puffed up. But after he understood the depth of the problem we were having he changed his attitude a bit. So I’d say try taking him, it might help. But if nothing changes and you still can’t talk and he’s still distant then you need to walk and walk tall. I’m hoping it works out well for you but if it doesn’t don’t try to force it.. I mean speaking from experience, forcing something that really doesn’t have a future is not worth it because the truth comes out eventually.. and I believe you know in your heart of hearts exactly what you need to do.
Title: Re: Should I leave my fiancé?
Post by: イザベル on October 30, 2018, 08:52:14 AM
I think overall this is a communication issue common in relationships, and needs sorting out if you want a long and happy marriage (which I hope for you!).

Sounds like your fiancé “stonewalls”, a psych term for someone who essentially becomes an unresponsive wall when feeling threatened. One of my exes did this a lot and it was super annoying, so I feel you.

On the other hand, communication is a two-way street. He may not be responding well to certain ways you’re phrasing your objections.

As someone mentioned, try talking things out at a calm point when you’re not caught up in the heat of an argument. Try speaking from a direct, first person point of view instead of voicing straight complaints. E.g: “I feel __ when I want us to ___ but you do __ instead.” It’s better than “You do __ and it’s annoying.”

And instead of apologizing for your feelings, ask about his and really listen. You might not agree with his opinions entirely, but don’t flat out reject them either.

Hope this helps!